"[C]hildren don't learn much when they're being taught by fascists"

The inevitable backlash to Jamie Oliver's healthy school lunch initiative:

In common with all state schools, sweets, chocolates and crisps have been taken out of the vending machines and off the meal counters. Bowls of fresh fruit have replaced racks of doughnuts with jugs of water and sugar-free drinks being served in place of bottles of fizzy pop.

But the Government overlooked one crucial point when it instituted these changes — and that is that changing the law doesn't change children's minds. Any teacher will tell you that children don't learn much when they're being taught by fascists. While children's food intake is very heavily policed in school, outside the gates they are free to do what they want.

Sweet shop owners around the country must be rubbing their hands with glee. Where I live, shopkeepers tell me of a huge upsurge in business before and after school. They're raking in money by the bucket load but the school canteen coffers are virtually empty.

One school caterer I know called Jane, said: "It's a real disaster for us. We're losing £70 a day compared with last year."

Explaining that the new guidelines mean food preparation is much more labour intensive than before, she added: "I've had to hire more staff to make the food but the kids are just not coming along. The canteen is half-full at lunchtimes. I feel in a state of despair."

Of course, the next step will be to ban the sale of crisps, chocolate, and fizzy pop within 500 metres of a school. I'm sure that that would solve the problem handily. Oh, and serious penalties for people who try to bootleg the contraband within the junk food exclusion zones. Oh, and banning any adverts in which the banned substances might appear.

Enforcing the ban might be difficult, but — having solved every other problem in sight — I'm sure the nanny state is up to the task.