Wil Wheaton's ST:TNG retrospective reviews

Wil Wheaton, who played the most-hated character in the entire Star Trek universe, has been writing some reviews of the early ST:TNG episodes:

• Encounter at Farpoint (Part I) (series premiere):

"[. . .] Picard takes the Red Shirt's phaser and tries to rub Q's nose in its "stun" setting (not the smartest move in the world, dude) and Q tells him that he had better turn around and take his spaceship home, or he's totally going to kick him right in his spandex-covered nuts."

"[. . .] Riker and the Doctor begin to discuss the mystery, when Wesley interrupts them to explicitly point out how mysterious the whole thing is. (It's right around this moment, according to historical data and polling research, that the Kill Wesley movement got its first member, though scholars are unable to agree upon who it was. It has been narrowed down to a single male virgin, approximately age 24, living in his parents' basement in the American Midwest.)"

• Encounter at Farpoint (Part II):

"[. . .] Back on the Enterprise, Riker heads into the holodeck to meet up with Data, who we learn can't whistle like a human (that's lame) and wants to be human (that's lamer) and is consequently called "Pinocchio" by Riker (excuse me while I recalibrate the scale of lameness.)"

"[. . .] Back on the planet, Troi tries to get Riker to take her with him to examine the very empty, very secluded, very-good-for-pounding-out-a-quickie tunnels beneath the station. We learn a little something about Riker when he instead sends Tasha and Geordi with her, and takes off alone with the robot. Ooooohhhhhkay, Riker, whatever inverts your matter/anti-matter intermix chambers, big guy."

• The Naked Now:

"[. . .] One of Geordi's first stops is to visit his good pal Wesley Crusher, who shows off one of his science projects (a mini tractor beam,) and one of his toys, a device that lets Wesley recreate speech from anyone on the ship. Any doubt that Wesley is a complete weenie is removed when we learn that he uses this device to have Captain Picard say things like, "Welcome to the bridge, Wesley," instead of having Counselor Troi say things like, "Smack my ass, Wesley, I'm a naughty, naughty bitch." To entirely erase any lingering doubt, Wesley spends the rest of the scene whining that the captain won't let him on the bridge, even though Wesley is so obviously smart and cool. (On a personal note, I'd like to thank the writers for making such a great first impression with my character. In addition to this spectacular scene, I also got to say lines like, "So you mean I'm drunk? I feel strange, but also good!" In fact, John D.F. Black — who I didn't realize at the time hated me — also wrote Justice, where he gave me the awesome line, "We're from Starfleet! We don't lie!" Thanks for that one, too, Mr. Black.)

"Geordi eventually gets tired of Wesley harshing his mellow, and takes off for a room where he heard there's a wicked rave happening, but not before he shares his infection with Wesley. This is not as gay as it sounds, not that there's anything wrong with that."

• The Last Outpost

"[. . .] Tasha, Worf, Geordi, Data, and Riker all head to the transporter room, where we learn that communication with the Enterprise may be difficult, and they may not be able to be beamed back to the ship if they can't figure out what exactly is holding them and why. But, come on, we know there isn't any real danger on the planet, because there isn't a single Red Shirt beaming down with them.

"The planet looks really, really cool, and it's one of the very first times we can see the difference in budgets and technologies available to the original series and the Next Generation. It's misty and stormy, and other words that are not also stage names for strippers, and we discover that the energy in the atmosphere has messed up the transporter's coordinates, and Riker's been beamed down alone. He quickly finds Data, who again uses the word "intriguing" to describe things. He keeps using that word. I do not think it means what he thinks it means."

• Where No One Has Gone Before:

"[. . .] However, this show still has its flaws, and the growing pains are evident. Wesley is given some horrible dialogue, including after school special standbys like, "Mom, he's my friend!" but he's less annoying than he is in 'Naked Now', and Rob Bowman directed me to be as mature as I was capable of being when I was just 14. If you really hated Wesley already, it was unlikely that this episode would change your mind at all, but if you were looking for a glimmer of evidence that he wouldn't be a total weenie for the whole series, there was just enough here to get your hopes up before we dashed them to hell in season two."