Profile of Bob Barr, Onion-style

The Onion includes a "profile" of Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr:

Views:
Pretty much the same as Ron Paul's, but without the avuncular charm

Issues:
(1995–2007) Trying to control the faith, sexuality, reproduction, drug use, and national allegiance of every single American.
(2007–) Aw, Fuck it.

Looks Like:
Effeminate maître d'

Role In Clinton Impeachment:
Finger-pointer

Average Time To Summarize Libertarian Philosophy To Stranger:
4 hours, 16 minutes

As President, He Pledges To:
Use his platform to apologize for things he supported as a Republican

H/T to Radley Balko.