So what do we call the sodding island, anyway?

Believe it or not, I'm all in favour of not offending people (unintentionally). I try to avoid terms which I know have caused offense, wherever possible. Given that, I still don't quite know how to respond to this, however:

The word 'British' can be as offensive as 'negro' and 'half-caste', according to a race relations body.

The publicly-funded organisation's views have been adopted by Caerphilly council in South Wales for a leaflet advising staff on how to deal with the public.

In a section on what words or phrases not to use to avoid causing offence, the leaflet solemnly informs the council's 9,000 workers: 'The idea of "British" implies a false sense of unity — many Scots, Welsh and Irish resist being called British and the land denoted by the term contains a wide variety of cultures, languages and religions.'

Many Canadians object to being called "American" by ignorant Brits. Er, I mean "subjects of the United Kingdom". Er, oh, that offends people who don't recognize the crown . . . how about "inhabitants of the British Isles", oh, that won't do . . . perhaps "the north-western European island that isn't Ireland"?

So, we have a bit of a nomenclature issue:

• They can't be called "British", because that offends the Welsh, the Scots, the Rom, the Manx, the Faroese, the Shetlanders, the Lapps, the Bangladeshis, the Jamaicans, the Nepalese, the Fijians, and the Irish.

Supplementarily, you can't call it "Great" Britain, because that implies that other countries are not great, and that's offensive.

• Calling 'em "English" is right out: that's a good fight-starter in pubs across both major islands. Even the ones born in England seem to avoid the term.
• If they're Scottish, you can call 'em "Scots", but not "Scotch" (which is a whisky . . . not a "whiskey").
• If they're from Wales, you can call 'em "Welch" or "Welsh", unless they object (it's sometimes difficult to tell if they're objecting or if there's been a sudden shortage of vowels and they've been forced to double-up on "f" and "l" to compensate).
• If they're Irish, you're usually safe referring to them as "Irish".
• Nobody will put up with being called "United Kingdomers".

I ended up asking around in the office and only got two answers. Co-workers of Welsh and Polish ancestry agreed that the only way to refer to the "Island formerly known as Great Britain" was "Sharia Island".