The trials of a military musician

A friend of mine, formerly in the Canadian Forces, recounted some of the fun and games of being a musician in the military:

There were a couple of times where the powers that be wanted us to play outside in the cold. Like -15 to -20 C. So we took all took our horns with us /in/ the bus and made sure they were very warm. As soon as you get out into the sub-sub temps, the warm air in the horn condenses and the horn the freezes solid instantly. No more playing outside.

At those temperatures (much colder than it was in Washington for the inauguration) brass mouth pieces will suck the warmth out of your lips very quickly. Lots of us had mouthpieces with plastic rims. Much easier to play in the winter. Small brass instruments weren't too much of a problem in the cold cause the players' hands would be warm enough to keep the valves from freezing. "Hot Shots" or some other such hand warmers as hunters use could be wrapped around the valves to keep them from freezing as well. Trombone slides were brutal, because they act just like the cooling tubes in a radiator. We used to use rubbing alcohol generously to aid in keeping slides moving.

In the military we couldn't keep our mouthpieces in our pockets because there was no prescribed movement for "pocketing mouthpieces". Fiddling with pockets wasn't one of the approved stances (such as "attention" or "at ease").

We were doing a Change of Command Parade for the Airborne Regiment. Outside, in January at -20C. Horns were all frozen solid before we even got to the parade square. Even split a drum head or two.

When we arrived at the parade, we all had our greatcoats on and were all bundled up as toasty as can be. Then the boss saw that the Airborne weren't wearing greatcoats, so he had us take ours off. Of course, none of us were wearing warmer clothes under our uniforms. The Airborne were prepared, and of course, had several layers of warmer clothes under their dress uniforms. So our boss, who was not the most confident guy in the world, had us move off the parade square into the lobby of a barracks facing the parade square, and had us play from in there with the doors propped open. Not professional, and very embarrassing for the band. We were standing behind a row of Cougars when they did a "feu de joie" where they basically do a 21-gun salute with their cannons. Very loud in the frigid air. Concussion from the guns made the doors to the lobby close. The boss was outside the doors trying desperately to get into the building, but he was wearing his leather oxfords and slipping and sliding all over the place while the guns kept going off...

Ok, well, perhaps you had to be there. But seriously think about it. Freezing cold. The boss was flapping wildly around on the ice outside of the building...

Well, you get the idea.